I made a vow to myself that this is the last time I will ever write to you (letters which I have never given you) or about you. I have already given you countless pages and almost endless chapters in my life and today is the time that I am finally closing the book of you and me, and to write a new book without you in it.
I firmly believe that I am finally ready to do that now because regardless of how difficult it is or it was, staying or getting stuck in this situation is not an option nor am I going to choose it. But prior to starting over, before I can draw a new beginning in a clean slate, I have to completely shut off the past and let it stay where it was supposed to be from the beginning of our end; the past and locked it in there – the last chapter of us.
I cannot recall the number of moments I asked God why you came into my life, and what was your greater purpose a midst all the pain and heart breaks. I kept on praying to God, begging Him to bring closure to this relationship with you and if I am not entitled to one, at least even a piece of clarity, a sense of what everything meant. Our push and pull kind of relationship, the on again – off again, steaming hot one day and snow cold the next, the almost there but still quite apart, the “maybe this time”.
As much as I do not want to admit it, it didn’t make sense to me. For once, I really let myself be in love and fully commit myself with no turning back only to be left behind still. The only thing I strongly held on to is my faith when everything else is falling into pieces. I kept my faith in God and in His plans and in His own timing; continuing the trail ahead of me one step at a time even if it does not make sense. I spent so much time wanting you back that when I thought that you wanted me back, it was like I lost my mind for a second. For months I made myself believe that you are “the one”, my happy ending, my one true love and that it was God’s plan.
But I was wrong.
I let you break my heart over and over again for months because I was too blinded by what I thought was God’s plan until I realized that He would never want to get my heart-broken and that it was just me who was too stubborn on those previous months when I should have trusted Him even more and just let it go, let YOU go.
That dawn when both of us decided to walk away which was due a long time ago finally happened. That was the last time I was with you breathing in the same air but that was the first time it felt so difficult to walk because I knew back then that there is absolutely no turning back. Not this time. All I could hear is myself praying to God to take away every single bit of pain, the crumbs of sorrow and sadness, the agony of waiting for too long for this time to happen, and the misery of finally setting each other free for good.
I became obsessed with the idea of being in love with you, truly and completely in love with you that I almost lost myself in the process. I thought that if I fought harder for us then everything will fall into its rightful place, and it did…
and it is a life without you in it anymore.
Every single day after, I called God, spoke with Him more often than I ever did; those real, heartfelt and transparent conversations with Him, those situations wherein I cannot utter any word because I was drowning in my own tears yet I knew He still understood how I was feeling made me believe that there is a better future ahead of me; that I was given the gift of starting over – we both were.
You see, my almost “the one”, I do not regret you, not ever and certainly not in this lifetime. We had a beautiful and amazing and magical moments together over the course of our relationship and we also had our share of getting-in-my-nerve times but those were the moments wherein I had my faith grasped harder and firmer to God. You drew me closer to Him as a result of those not so magical and magnificent moments. You encouraged me to become stronger every single time you tried to blow off my light.
No, I will never regret meeting you and letting you become part of my life because if not for you and what happened between us, I might have never became the woman that I am today;
I would have never learned that I am indeed capable of fully giving my heart bravely and fearlessly to someone regardless of whether the other person accepts and cherishes it or not.
You helped me discover how powerful of a woman I really am and you taught me that goodbyes aren’t so bad after all, because only then can we start over again.
You made me realize what I really want for myself in the future and you taught me that I deserve far much better than what I am willing to settle for.
You helped me embrace the life full of uncertainty and to trust God that He knows better, that in His own perfect time and will, nothing bad will and can happen that God cannot straighten out.
Above all, the most valuable lesson I’ve gathered from my life with you is how to love myself better and greater that I used to; to put myself and my dignity and my self-worth first before anything and everything else.
I am the woman that I am today because I was with you for some of the chapters in my life however today, my almost “the one”, not only am I putting an end in those chapters but I am choosing to fully close the book of us.
Thank you for asking for my forgiveness and thank you for accepting my apology. Both of us are just human beings capable of making mistakes just like everybody else, and in the end, both of us do deserve a better and brighter future, it is just not us together.