Few weeks ago my boyfriend broke up with me. It was painful but I knew back then that no matter how much I don’t want us to separate it was the right thing to do for the both of us. Several times we tried so hard to make it work but it was not enough. I knew that taking a space is something we both needed because I knew it would hurt even more if we stay. But we were both stubborn and continued to pull the strings which stretched far more than what we can handle. Those strings snapped so hard that in the end we only hurt each other even more thus day by day, we grew apart.
I need to move on but I knew that deep down I still love him. Well, honestly, I can never lose the love I have for him. But this is not the right time for me to show him how much I do. I am still yearning for every touch, every hug, every kiss. That I want nothing more in this world than hear him laugh and hear him tell me that he loves me. I want more time with him. We didn’t had the perfect relationship but it was something that I know is right. But even if it is unbearable, this is not the right time for us.
Last night I decided to go out with my past co workers only so I could briefly forget him. It was a fun night only to end in a disaster. I lost my bag which contains my phone, my house keys, my power bank, and my ATM. I called him to ask if he could give me the key but I was drunk and all I could remember him say is that he left it in his house and that he is at a wake. He sounded surprised that I was out yet again with my friends. And as much as I want to blame him, I could not. The only person I can blame is myself. I should have dealt with my problems face to face instead of trying to pretend it is not existing nor try to forget about it for a period of time.
I haven’t moved on from this relationship yet another stroked me out and hurt me – losing my phone. I had everything in there most especially pictures which I haven’t saved in my laptop. I feel like my world is totally falling apart. I do not know what else to do.
About an hour ago I somehow had this realization that maybe losing my bag and all that is in it meant something. That I need to get up, pull myself together and move on. Move on from everything that is hurting and killing me slowly inside. I need to gather every last ounce of courage and strength that I believe I still have and face the reality that things or situations happen for a reason. I’ve been asking myself how am I supposed to move on when my faith is shaking. There is no right answer and the only way to figure it out is to start acting upon it.
There are no exact formulas to experiment with on how to deal with a broken heart. No one can tell you exactly what to do. People may try, but in the end, you only have yourself to lean on to. You only have yourself to tell you what it is that you need to endure to get past this unfavorable situation you have to deal with.
I’ve reached rock bottom once again and this time it passed the one I had before. Life is confusing. It’s difficult, challenging, one hell of a roller coaster ride. But we still choose to live it. I am still choosing to live it. For I am hoping that after the storm comes the sun. No storm will last a lifetime and even if I have doubts in my faith, what’s left of it is enough for me to try to push myself to stand and walk through everything that is happening in my life.
This is the time for me to start a new beginning. I used to believe that moving to another place is the best way to start fresh, but it isn’t. It is only a part of it. What I realized is that I have to look within myself first. Know which helps me grow and become a better version of myself than I was yesterday and leave those that is pulling me down including all the scars I have. Conquer every pain, doubt, and fear that I have and take it as ingredients to help me discover my inner self and take those negativity and convert it into strength. I need to accept defeat with grace and move on as how a woman is supposed to. I may be alone right now but I believe that God is watching over me.