How?

How can I forget someone who gave me so many wonderful memories? Someone who made me realize that I am capable of loving – the real love; Someone who made me happy;
Someone who wiped away my tears;
Someone whom I held hands with and every single time it felt perfectly intertwined with my fingers;
Someone who was so brave and somehow managed to keep up with my flaws;
Someone who made everything feel better each time he hugged me;
Someone who made me feel that he may be the one;
Someone who opened my eyes and made me realize that I have to get hold of myself for the future – our supposed to be future;
Someone who I can imagine walking around my house, would look at me and smile;
Someone that I truly love…

There are so many things that I want to say but I feel that words have abandoned me. How can I compete with someone else? His someone else. But honestly, the question is why do I have to compete with anyone else? If you are in a relationship, there should be no one else but you two. No other person.

I knew that somehow cheating will be a part of a relationship even if it is not suppose to happen because after all, we are all human beings. We make mistakes. And now that someone made me experience it, it is effin painful! When I saw their exchange of messages I became so mad and yelled at him. We yelled at each other for couple of minutes. It was the worst time in our relationship. And he stormed out and went to work. I cried for few minutes and decided to call my aunt. The only thing I asked her was “if you truly love someone who cheated on you, would you stay and fight for the love you have or let go?” She had a lot of answers which made me think. I went to the gym to let the steam off. As much as I wanted to focus on working out, I cannot help but remember all those messages. I slapped myself but it remained floating in my mind. I called up my friends and I got several opinions.

Now, I am all alone but I cannot think of what to do. I am willing to talk to him and let him explain his side but I do not want to initiate the talk because even if I am ready and willing to talk to him, I do not know if the feeling is mutual. Both of us should be willing to talk to each other because after what happened, I now believe that communication should be two way street. Because nothing good will come if only either is ready to speak.

A while ago my friend told me that I should let him choose – deep inside, I wanted him to choose her. Because I do not know if I can fully trust him again. He broke my trust and for me, trust is vital in any relationship. One friend told me that this means that I do not want to be in a relationship with him. I think it is not true because I love him. But it will take both of us so much work after what happened. He also told me that if I make him choose then me and the other woman will be choices and he will have the liberty to choose. He said that we are not toys that anyone should choose over the other. And he was right.

And so I was left with the thought of what to do and say. The love I have for him is clouding my judgement. And right now, all I could think is that I deserve the best. I have to check the level of my self worth and self dignity against this kind of relationship because I might be running low on those two important things and I need to refuel them.

A Wandering Princess

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