How?

How can I forget someone who gave me so many wonderful memories? Someone who made me realize that I am capable of loving – the real love; Someone who made me happy;
Someone who wiped away my tears;
Someone whom I held hands with and every single time it felt perfectly intertwined with my fingers;
Someone who was so brave and somehow managed to keep up with my flaws;
Someone who made everything feel better each time he hugged me;
Someone who made me feel that he may be the one;
Someone who opened my eyes and made me realize that I have to get hold of myself for the future – our supposed to be future;
Someone who I can imagine walking around my house, would look at me and smile;
Someone that I truly love…

There are so many things that I want to say but I feel that words have abandoned me. How can I compete with someone else? His someone else. But honestly, the question is why do I have to compete with anyone else? If you are in a relationship, there should be no one else but you two. No other person.

I knew that somehow cheating will be a part of a relationship even if it is not suppose to happen because after all, we are all human beings. We make mistakes. And now that someone made me experience it, it is effin painful! When I saw their exchange of messages I became so mad and yelled at him. We yelled at each other for couple of minutes. It was the worst time in our relationship. And he stormed out and went to work. I cried for few minutes and decided to call my aunt. The only thing I asked her was “if you truly love someone who cheated on you, would you stay and fight for the love you have or let go?” She had a lot of answers which made me think. I went to the gym to let the steam off. As much as I wanted to focus on working out, I cannot help but remember all those messages. I slapped myself but it remained floating in my mind. I called up my friends and I got several opinions.

Now, I am all alone but I cannot think of what to do. I am willing to talk to him and let him explain his side but I do not want to initiate the talk because even if I am ready and willing to talk to him, I do not know if the feeling is mutual. Both of us should be willing to talk to each other because after what happened, I now believe that communication should be two way street. Because nothing good will come if only either is ready to speak.

A while ago my friend told me that I should let him choose – deep inside, I wanted him to choose her. Because I do not know if I can fully trust him again. He broke my trust and for me, trust is vital in any relationship. One friend told me that this means that I do not want to be in a relationship with him. I think it is not true because I love him. But it will take both of us so much work after what happened. He also told me that if I make him choose then me and the other woman will be choices and he will have the liberty to choose. He said that we are not toys that anyone should choose over the other. And he was right.

And so I was left with the thought of what to do and say. The love I have for him is clouding my judgement. And right now, all I could think is that I deserve the best. I have to check the level of my self worth and self dignity against this kind of relationship because I might be running low on those two important things and I need to refuel them.

A Wandering Princess

One More Try

It was not hard for me to write but these past few days I decided to temporarily stop writing. One thing that is new about me is that I fell in love. And yup, it is the real deal. And I am glad that yesterday I was able to tell Pumpkin Head Jack about this certain relationship.

Instead of writing about my man, I would write about me instead. The love, the struggles, the faith, the arguments, and everything in between.

No one can ever be perfect and so even though I wanted to be the “perfect” girlfriend, it certainly is impossible. But not one single day I didn’t try to be the best girlfriend that I can be.

It wasn’t I guess love at first sight but that day came when I felt enchanted and captivated. I listened carefully to what my inner goddess is telling me and against those things that makes me want to turn my back, my inner goddess told me to give it a try.

And I did.

It has been weeks since the moment that I became someone’s girlfriend. Someone who loves and be loved. But those days were not all laughter and happy moments. We had arguments and have fought each other. We had misunderstandings and shortcomings. We’ve hurt each other. We’ve said things we didn’t mean and to think that we even haven’t crossed that one month line. Some of my friends told me to let go but I stayed. Because I love him. And because I know that I have faith in the relationship and more importantly, I trust him. I trust us.

People can and will always provide advices on how you can face a certain trial in your life but one thing that I am learning at this point is that I know how to listen to advices people gives but at the end of the day, when I have thought thoroughly about it, that only I can decide what I want for myself.

It is a rough path but all I can ever think and feel about is to simply keep moving forward. I can never let something go without putting up a good fight. Until there is love left, or rather until there is love for the other person, then I know that it is something worth fighting for.

A Wandering Princess

Lost Star

In certainty, there is at least about 73% of the human population in this planet who are facing inevitable situations brought upon the way they are living their lives. Quite honestly, I am one of them.

More than a week ago, I hurt someone unintentionally. Words are weapon and I used mine against someone who now resents me. I cried and somehow after all the tears I shed, it can never undo what was done. Those words permanently shattered what little we had.

Every single day is a rollercoaster ride. I used to believe that it only happens in a while until I saw myself sitted on that ride everyday and it is hard to keep up with it.

“You’re never gonna be able to control the things that happen to you but you will be able to control how you feel.”

It is a quote from one of my favorite TV shows and it stuck in my mind though I am still trying to figure out how to really live it.

I tend to feel deeply. I tried to avoid it and it worked thus making me insensitive and so I try to reverse it back and what I actually learned is that it is okay to feel some things – things that really matter to you and to things that will help you become a better person.

I believe that I still have some days to live and I am hoping to figure out what is important to me at this time at my age. As much as people would say I don’t look my age it wouldn’t cover up the fact that I am getting older each day and I am still at a point in my life where I am trying to figure what I want in my life.

While some of my batchmates were getting married, having kids, traveling around the globe, working to get on top of the corporate ladder here I am still thinking and feeling what the hell am I going to do with my life.

Few days ago I was shattered with some news which figuratively rock my world. It was a burden I couldn’t carry alone without losing my mind which reminds me that I have friends who came to my aid. One thing I positively got out of all the negativity is that my faith grew stronger than before. It made me call God and beg for a miracle.

I am not okay. I am not fine. I feel pain – physically, emotionally and mentally. But when I look and try hard to observe around, I still am lucky that I am not dying and that I am not fighting in another part of this world. The only fight I need to deal with is within myself. To let go and to firmly believe that some day, one day everything will be better.

A Wandering Princess