Confusion + 8 Rounds of Whiskey

      The title pretty much explains how I feel at the moment. That one guy came back who hurt me and left me with my broken heart and as I have subtly admitted to another guy I am into him. But he blew me off. The only reason why Pumpkin Head Jack is here solely because I like him else why would I care writing about him. But like everything else, he chose to let me go. He told me that because of his failed online relationships, he knew this would fail. Just like the previous relationships he had online. It sucks but it was his decision. So why bother to argue when in fact he already made up his mind?! 

     I wanted to argue with him but there is no point of doing so and just like that, I felt I wasn’t good enough for him. There was this guy who wanted me back in his life and here I am pulling out enough reason to stay with Pumpkin Head Jack.

Would he care if I walk away?

Would he miss me nor think of me after all that has been said and done?

     I was never to ask for too much. But I guess everything else is too much. Ever since that period we stopped our communication and came back on, everything was so different. I can sense it but never complained nor ask him about it because when I decided to come back to him, all I can ever think of is how much happy he makes me feel that I never thought of the consequences nor dealt head on the problem we had before that 16 days hiatus from each other.

     I guess or rather knew that it was the problem. We had a misunderstanding and instead of dealing with it I let it pass. I should have known better and there is nothing else to do about it. Do I regret it? Somehow yes. I knew from the very start that I should have opened it out with him and dealt it with him. Rather, I was so excited to talk with him about everything else as much as he is with me that we forgot about.

     Apologizes were given to each other but do both of us even know what we are apologizing for? I wanted to say that it was all my fault; I feel too much, I think too much, I just fell for him head on but I cannot blame myself. I am only human and just like everyone else in this planet, all of us are at the verge of loving someone that it would hurt sometimes.

      This is the second time I am about to bid him goodbye, but this time, when its done, it is for good. No more third nor fourth nor fifth and so on chances. One can only give that much. I can only give him this much, let alone hurt me subtly this way. Twice was enough for us. I gave it another try because I believed in him. I trusted him. But like everyone else who realizes that they are in love with someone who doesn’t love nor even like them…. Second chance is enough to realize that you need to walk away and have faith that someday, one day, you will cross a path with the one who has the capability to love you back. One who is not afraid to take a chance regardless of how many times they failed in love and relationship. One who is willing to risk it to be with you. One who will give time to text and call you no matter how tired they are. One who will be with you no matter how hard the situation is.

     I love myself more than I do him that I need to look after myself. It is without denial that letting him go, letting everything we have slip away is excruciating painful as it is but we can only hold on to something for quite sometime before we realize that what we are holding onto is burning us right in front of our eyes.


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