Nobody’s Home

I took a 2 night staycation in a five-star hotel. I honestly cannot say that it is because I needed “space” since I live alone hence I got all the “space” I need. I guess, I took it just to unwind and to really think through a situation or event that is called life. Was it successful? I’m not sure. All I did was swim in the hotel’s super awesome, crystal clear and not to mention a very warm water, indulged myself in their fine cuisine, danced away my thoughts in live all time favorite music and let my body float away in massage and spa. Clearly, I was not able to actually decide on what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I have been in this situation a number of times wherein I always go to places to find myself only to realize that I have enjoyed myself so much in the moment that I forgot to go through what I am supposed to do or why I am in that place. Is it safe to say I failed – again?

As I am to capped off my last night in my ultimate favorite hotel – so far, I began to grasp my own dreaded question; what is it that I want to do with my life? All the recent travels, staycations, a bit night life has got me to nowhere but only a brief time of cheap thrill – wherein I reveled in the moment that I forgot about the future.

A number of people would say that you need to “live in the present” and without flicking an eyelash, I certainly agree. However, I also do believe that to be able to really live in the moment is that if you are also aware of what you really want in the long run for yourself. It may sound as old school as it may be but one is required to plan ahead as well and I guess I somehow failed.

At this point, I am still strolling in a vacant lot in my mind. Lost and pained. I don’t know where I belong. And all I ever wanted is to find my way back home.

Confusion + 8 Rounds of Whiskey

      The title pretty much explains how I feel at the moment. That one guy came back who hurt me and left me with my broken heart and as I have subtly admitted to another guy I am into him. But he blew me off. The only reason why Pumpkin Head Jack is here solely because I like him else why would I care writing about him. But like everything else, he chose to let me go. He told me that because of his failed online relationships, he knew this would fail. Just like the previous relationships he had online. It sucks but it was his decision. So why bother to argue when in fact he already made up his mind?! 

     I wanted to argue with him but there is no point of doing so and just like that, I felt I wasn’t good enough for him. There was this guy who wanted me back in his life and here I am pulling out enough reason to stay with Pumpkin Head Jack.

Would he care if I walk away?

Would he miss me nor think of me after all that has been said and done?

     I was never to ask for too much. But I guess everything else is too much. Ever since that period we stopped our communication and came back on, everything was so different. I can sense it but never complained nor ask him about it because when I decided to come back to him, all I can ever think of is how much happy he makes me feel that I never thought of the consequences nor dealt head on the problem we had before that 16 days hiatus from each other.

     I guess or rather knew that it was the problem. We had a misunderstanding and instead of dealing with it I let it pass. I should have known better and there is nothing else to do about it. Do I regret it? Somehow yes. I knew from the very start that I should have opened it out with him and dealt it with him. Rather, I was so excited to talk with him about everything else as much as he is with me that we forgot about.

     Apologizes were given to each other but do both of us even know what we are apologizing for? I wanted to say that it was all my fault; I feel too much, I think too much, I just fell for him head on but I cannot blame myself. I am only human and just like everyone else in this planet, all of us are at the verge of loving someone that it would hurt sometimes.

      This is the second time I am about to bid him goodbye, but this time, when its done, it is for good. No more third nor fourth nor fifth and so on chances. One can only give that much. I can only give him this much, let alone hurt me subtly this way. Twice was enough for us. I gave it another try because I believed in him. I trusted him. But like everyone else who realizes that they are in love with someone who doesn’t love nor even like them…. Second chance is enough to realize that you need to walk away and have faith that someday, one day, you will cross a path with the one who has the capability to love you back. One who is not afraid to take a chance regardless of how many times they failed in love and relationship. One who is willing to risk it to be with you. One who will give time to text and call you no matter how tired they are. One who will be with you no matter how hard the situation is.

     I love myself more than I do him that I need to look after myself. It is without denial that letting him go, letting everything we have slip away is excruciating painful as it is but we can only hold on to something for quite sometime before we realize that what we are holding onto is burning us right in front of our eyes.

Pumpkin Head Jack Part II

Do you ever get that feeling when you are still not sure of what you need to do is right yet you have that so much urge to do so? Yep. It hit me, big time.

See, I deleted Pumpkin Head Jack off my life few weeks ago not only because we had an argument and that because his words hurt me but more importantly, I want to avoid whatever it was that I am feeling for that person (that was before). I knew back then that I will talk to him again someday because that is what I wanted. He is an amazing person and I do not want to lose him forever just because we had some ridiculous fight while I was at a party for my friend. Talk about bad timing right?

That day came.

I was walking around the neighborhood at about past 1:30 in the morning. The only thing that was with me were cars of my neighbors and a cat which is not mine but were so clingy to me. Anyway, at that time I knew how much I miss him and how much I wanted to chat with him again and so right there and then I told my self “screw it! I’m giving it another shot”. Of course at that time I did not know if he will ever respond after me leaving off without a “goodbye”.

I did not tell him I was going to delete the app where we communicate nor even mentioned I am cutting him off my life. During that time, I was hurt and the only thing I wanted was silence from him and to think what is going on between us ( it is not much but to me it was kind of close to the best thing). I “left” without saying a word not because I am a bad person rather because I know I can never say goodbye to him. He means something to me and now that I have come to realize it, he is actually someone who I want to meet one day. I do not care how many falling stars for me to wish for it to come true but I just know that one day I’d be able to actually see him smile. And just like that, everything else fades away.

A Wandering Princess

Wear Your Best Stiletto and Walk Away

For days I have been thinking whether to push through with the job I applied for almost a month ago.

Few weeks ago I applied for a job that was recommended by my colleague since her sister is working there. Before, I was sure I am going to work there but when I was called for an appointment I became hesitant. I even missed the date of the appointment by choice hence I was scheduled to another day. I do not know why I still had myself scheduled when I know I am unsure about it. I went on with the second appoinment telling myself that maybe, if I had a feeling of what it is like being there will give me a change of heart but I never felt it.

I got accepted and was called the day after for the final interview and to sign the contract. Even I know and can clearly hear my gut feeling I still pushed through with it. I signed the contract after reading it thrice and went for the medical appointment. I told myself at that moment that I still have a lot of time to think about it.

Few hours from now will be my orientation time and only now that I have decided. I am going to listen to my instinct which I should have done few weeks ago. Even though I fell in love with the orange theme of the office, I still cannot find in my heart to go through with it.

That company is a good company which will provide me with a great experience outside the profession I am used to, gives great benefits and perhaps will let me meet new and trustworthy friends but I got to hear what myself – my inner self is telling me.
Yes, it may pay the bills but what good will it bring if from the moment I stepped on that office I had cold feet?  I do not want to put myself in such agony when I can stop myself from the very start from being in such situation.

I am sorry. But it is not for me because if it is for me and it is right for me then I wouldn’t be feeling this way.

If it doesn’t FEEL right, it’s NOT right—at least not for me.

A Wandering Princess