I have bid so many “goodbyes” in my life that I’ve lost count as to how many. But tonight, it was different.
One thing I probably should regret but cannot is when I let someone back in my life without giving so much thought about it. I went with a compassionate heart with that yearning as how this person has been after we “broke up”. Honestly, how can we ever break up of there is no committed relationship to start with… but we did anyway. It was his term. I did not have the courage back then to argue because the pain was too much to bear. After exactly four minutes, I let him back in my life only now, this day I’ve thought about it. I was able to move on from him before. I was able to let him go only to allow him back which was wrong. It is not a regret because it did him good. However, today, I bid another goodbye and perhaps, I want this for good. No more third or fourth or fifth chances. The second one was enough and he blew it just like he did the first time. He doesn’t deserve me and I only deserve the best.
Prior to this, I also let go of another person whom I used to talk with and about here in my blog. The one who gave me “premature ventricular contractions”…. yes. THAT guy. We argued few days ago and it was the worst argument I had thus far. From then on, as I thought about it, maybe, just maybe, what we had is only for sometime and doesn’t deserve a long stay in my life.
Tonight, I cut the means of how we communicate irregardless of whoever I am cutting ties with. It is hard somehow but after taking a long jog in the rain I finally was able to comprehend that I love myself more to choose to let go of people who do not value me nor see me important to be in their lives. It does not need constant communication like how Jack told me “I can’t be online everyday” but at least do not totally disappear on me.
Honestly? It doesn’t matter anymore. I am putting myself first; self-worth and self dignity above anything and anyone else. When I’ve put this on my mind, it didn’t hurt that much. I thought after deleting the app where we talk will hurt me or be painful and that I will end up crying on my bed to sleep but not this time. I wanted to cry but tears seemed to have abandoned my eyes. For the first time, it did not hurt. It is not painful as much as I thought it will be. Maybe, all this time I thought clinging was good that I realized letting go and trying to move on is much better. It is not these two people I am setting free, it is myself. Because at the end of the day, the only thing I should value is myself. If they do not give a damn about me, why should I give a damn about them?
♥ A Wandering Princess