I intentionally cut myself off the internet for more than a day. I wanted to see how much of me will be missed by the internet. It was hard at first because it meant that I will not be able to update and read my twitter, read other blogs, my email and more importantly I’d lose the desire to constantly check my Whats app.
It is somehow hard to wait for someone to check up on you. Not because I was waiting for it, I have other things to do but when someone is of value to you, you’d still think about that person. It is like you are in the middle of choosing which food to order when suddenly that person would run across your mind. Do you know those kind of instances?
I know it very well. I had those at times; while I was getting my nails done, while indulging myself to a nice massage even while I was choosing which seat to take for the two concerts I am planning to watch this week. Some would consider it being silly or desperate (which is mean by the way) but I consider this a good thing because it meant that I am still a human being capable of feeling such elusiveness.
Of all the weaknesses I have, I guess that the worst is getting attached too easily and how did I react to it? By pushing some people away. That is my defense until someone made me feel like I was in a sinking ship; whether to hold on or let go and it is changing everything I built to keep my defense strong. It attacked every single wall that I put up with so much courage.
When someone asks me “are you pushing me away?” or even “are you dropping me off?”, my answer is always a “yes” until one day, I got the very same question again, it made me reach for that very last ounce of courage left to say “yes” but something inside tells me not to. That instinct, that very soft sound that when you are too loud I doubt you’d hear it and so I listened carefully… “stay”.
I hugged myself while looking at the open window on my phone consisting our conversation on my coffee table. I hugged myself tightly as I opened his picture and thought to myself, “are you ready to let go?” I closed my eyes for a brief moment and when I opened it, I grabbed my phone and typed back “No. I will never do that (to drop you off).” I placed my phone back on top of the coffee table and let a huge sigh out.