Doubts

What are you scared of?

There are so many things and people we are all possibly scared of but what is it that you are REALLY scared of?

I used to think that being alone is scary. It wasn’t easy but I tried it and can strongly say that I have overcome it. At first, it was living on my own apartment. I lived in a dormitory since I started college and so I believed it will be easy but I was wrong. My first attempt to live in the apartment by myself got me homesick after few months and so I decided to go back home. Few months passed and I met a guy, had a relationship with him only to get my heart broken by him. At that time, almost everything in my room reminded me of him and so I told my parents I will try and live alone again in my apartment and truthfully, it did help me a lot. Not only to move on from him but more importantly, I became comfortable with myself and became more independent. I learned few things about myself and how to take control of my life.

As time passes by my needs and desires for my life only grew stronger. As I smoke my cigarette before I started to write now was that what is it that I am scared of and after throwing off the butt I realized that it wasn’t just anything. I am afraid that at this point, I do not know what the hell I want to do with my life.

A Wandering Princess

Pumpkin Head Jack

This one I greatly believe is the biggest loss I’ve had so far. It was not an easy decision to let go of because I have had the best laugh and he was the one who gave it to me. He helped me looked at the other side of the road which contains nothing but positivity and real happiness until one day, everything shifted as if the earth rotated 360 degrees.

The last conversation we had was empty and yet it was hurtful. He said things I could not imagine him saying but maybe it was my fault because I believed in him. I trusted him with just about everything. I shared with him stories about my life. I spent time talking with him. Those phone calls… everything we shared left me the same time I decided to let go. Nothing is much left of him but memories.

I can never forget the way he made me feel. And I am honestly hoping that maybe, may it be a long shot, that our paths will cross again….

A Wandering Princess

Clouded with Thoughts

To be quite honest, my senses only came back last night. I haven’t done a post for a long time and there is absolutely no excuse that is enough to validate my action. For the past few days I have been on hiatus from posting an entry, I went from being the “good” girl to an unknown persona. I cannot say it is that evil but definitely it is another event or rather, series of events I do not want to do again. If I have to be honest with myself, it is as worse as the things I did this January 2015 and as much as I want to write it all down, it is very much embarassing for me to do so.

On a second note, what is done is done. I chose to do those things and it is not something I should be proud of and the only reason I want to write it here is for me to be able to remind myself of such things I should avoid doing.

The past few days has been another ride in a rollercoaster. From drinking sprees – which I think I should really stop by the way unless I want to end up attending a AA to dating a guy nine years my junior to eventually ending my communication with people who are not worthy of me and my time to still being uncertain of whether to push through with the job I got accepted in, to figuring out if I still want to do nursing and finally, to fully accept and love myself for simply being my usual self. Yup. That was my week or weeks.

I am still confused and lost. I sometimes think of just leaving and starting a new life somewhere where there is no one who knows me. It is similar to running away. It is not good but staying is not an option either. There is just one thing that is keeping me from doing it which is my family because I do know and totally believe they will never be able to understand me and what I want to do in my life. Because the truth is, even I, do not know what exactly to do.

A Wandering Princess

Night Changes

I have bid so many “goodbyes” in my life that I’ve lost count as to how many. But tonight, it was different.

One thing I probably should regret but cannot is when I let someone back in my life without giving so much thought about it. I went with a compassionate heart with that yearning as how this person has been after we “broke up”. Honestly, how can we ever break up of there is no committed relationship to start with… but we did anyway. It was his term. I did not have the courage back then to argue because the pain was too much to bear. After exactly four minutes, I let him back in my life only now, this day I’ve thought about it. I was able to move on from him before. I was able to let him go only to allow him back which was wrong. It is not a regret because it did him good. However, today, I bid another goodbye and perhaps, I want this for good. No more third or fourth or fifth chances. The second one was enough and he blew it just like he did the first time. He doesn’t deserve me and I only deserve the best.

Prior to this, I also let go of another person whom I used to talk with and about here in my blog. The one who gave me “premature ventricular contractions”…. yes. THAT guy. We argued few days ago and it was the worst argument I had thus far. From then on, as I thought about it, maybe, just maybe, what we had is only for sometime and doesn’t deserve a long stay in my life.

Tonight, I cut the means of how we communicate irregardless of whoever I am cutting ties with. It is hard somehow but after taking a long jog in the rain I finally was able to comprehend that I love myself more to choose to let go of people who do not value me nor see me important to be in their lives. It does not need constant communication like how Jack told me “I can’t be online everyday” but at least do not totally disappear on me.

Honestly? It doesn’t matter anymore. I am putting myself first; self-worth and self dignity above anything and anyone else. When I’ve put this on my mind, it didn’t hurt that much. I thought after deleting the app where we talk will hurt me or be painful and that I will end up crying on my bed to sleep but not this time. I wanted to cry but tears seemed to have abandoned my eyes. For the first time, it did not hurt. It is not painful as much as I thought it will be. Maybe, all this time I thought clinging was good that I realized letting go and trying to move on is much better. It is not these two people I am setting free, it is myself. Because at the end of the day, the only thing I should value is myself. If they do not give a damn about me, why should I give a damn about them?

♥ A Wandering Princess

Vagueness

winter-road-night

The cold breeze gently brushes her skin

as she stroll down the lifeless road,

while surveying the sky.

Like his words, the heaven is empty,

no stars, no moon.

Just a flock of clouds concealing what’s

beyond underneath.

The little voice was there yet she chose to be deaf,

she favored the contractions

– the fleeting ones.

As she flipped through the imaginary pages,

all she could ever feel is the nostalgia of

what has been.