How many times have you ever said goodbye? From someone who provides nothing but toxicity in your life, a job that doesn’t help you to grow and develop the career path that you really wanted, a situation that makes you feel bad at the end of the day or even to an opportunity you felt that will not fit you.
I have had uttered many “goodbyes” in my life. From people who hurt me physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually, several jobs that have made me feel unhappy, from situations that only made me doubt myself and to a few opportunities wherein I know deep within me it is not what I really want.
Letting go of such things is difficult, painful, heart breaking and will leave you crying for a while. But these feelings that will occur after you have let go are TEMPORARY. Staying is not and should never be an option. Because staying, when you know it will not help you grow to become a better person is far worse than having to endure the pain of saying goodbye.
I have come across different kinds of people; friends who are there only when they need you, dead-end relationships that will continuously haunt you if you choose to stay rather than being freed from it, people who challenges your faith and people who just does not give a damn about you. One thing that I have learned as I undergo a major reconstruction is that I AM SPECIAL and I should never let anyone make me think otherwise.
It’s only been months when I decided to let go of 10/27/2014. Everything seemed to go our way the first few months and suddenly everything changed. I found myself in a text and call war with him almost every single day. I deeply care for him but then I realized that I do care for myself too. I should care more about myself above anything else and so one day, I told him that the relationship is going nowhere. We said goodbye. From that time, after I hit the red call button on my phone to end our last phone call, I cried. The pain was beyond imaginable. I have been with this person every single day only to end it one day, we even planned a crazy and effin future ahead. But now I was able to fully comprehend that it was the right decision. If I had chosen to remain in that toxic relationship, I will never be able to grasp the idea that I love myself enough to let go. I was able to give myself a permanent break away from the excruciating words, the unpleasant moments of silence among the other things 10/27/2014 did to me. I loved him but I love myself more.
I had this friend, I shall name her Emily (instead of using her own name) for several months. She is few years older than me. We met in a yoga class and from then on we became friends. She is married and has children but we do still see each other often since we used to go to the same yoga classes several times a week. There is this one guy that we met from the same class. He is nice and handsome and tall – the works of a hot guy to be exact. After our yoga class, Emily and I would usually stay in a coffee shop nearby to chat and one day she invited him to come with us without even informing me beforehand, however I did not mind it as this guy is new to class and perhaps will not be going to our classes most of the time (P.S. There are only really a handful of guys doing hot yoga from where I was enrolled) so I shrugged it off. One thing led to another, I started to notice that she would excuse herself from having coffee because she has to go somewhere else. I did not mind it at first because I trust that she probably needs to be somewhere else. It went on for weeks, she would even skip yoga classes (which is not like her because she is devoted to doing yoga) but like before I just thought that maybe she is busy with her kids. During one of my classes, our other friend asked me why me and Emily do not go out for coffee anymore and why she missed some of our classes. I told her that Emily is probably attending to her kids’ needs though I can feel that she is meeting this hot guy which I based from some of her text messages. The following day, as I was walking to my yoga class I saw her going out of a hotel with this guy and they were all over each other. I knew from the moment she saw him at our session that she fell for that guy. Emily decided to show up few days after to our yoga class and asked me out for a tea. I agreed because I want to know what is happening with her. And like some of the other women, she denied it. Every single time I ask, she denies – and I asked several times, giving her the opportunity to tell me the truth. I started to take some distance away from her. I am her friend but lying to me is one thing I cannot and will not tolerate. Few weeks I have not heard from her until our other friend told me that they were caught by the guy’s girlfriend.
I took few steps away from her which eventually ended our friendship because she lied to me and she was my friend. How will I be able to trust her with anything else when she chose to hide something? I’ve come to realize at that time that maybe it is time for me to let go of her. Few months after, I heard from someone in our class that her marriage is failing and that her husband is filing annulment of their marriage.
I shared a lot with this person, I trusted her with girl secrets and anything that goes with it and so when our friendship ended, it felt like something was torn off from me but then now I knew that it was the right thing to do. Not to mention that she cheated on her husband.
On Job and Opportunity
I have been a nurse for more than five years now. Right after graduation, I immediately took the nurse licensure exam and thankfully I passed it the first time I took it (all nighters paid off). Two months after, I got my license and started to look for a job. At that time I saw myself pursuing Psychiatric Nursing but since it was very hard to get a job here in the Philippines, I applied to one single home care clinic for psychiatric patients and I got the job. To be honest, I never did any voluntary nurse work here nor have to pay any hospitals to let me work or volunteer there without pay (yes it happens here). Before I got the call from the owner of the home care clinic, I enrolled in the graduate school to take up Master’s Degree. It was my back up plan in case I didn’t get hired. But perhaps it was destiny that I got both. I landed my first job with pay and I was accepted in the university I want to enroll in. I worked for three straight years in the home care. My stay in patients and I were able to grow and develop the rapport needed but one day something happened. My grandmother from Davao City got sick and was confined in the hospital for a very long time. She kept on asking for me – to see me. But as much as I wanted to hop in on the next plane to go there and be with her, I can’t. At that home care clinic, there are only two employed nurses. Me and the other girl. If I leave, she will be left taking more shifts to cover up for me which in turn will be very hard for her. It is somehow difficult for the management to temporarily hire another nurse to cover for me since it is a psychiatric home care clinic. Weeks passed by, one night as I was wrapping up my shift – I was working the afternoon shift, I got a call from my mom who was in Davao with my dad informing me that my grandmother passed away. Still, her last words was her desire to see me. It literally and painfully broke my heart. I know I could leave the clinic anytime I want but I care so much for the patients who are looking after our group sessions and I just cannot leave just like that. It took two more days before I was able to get into a plane to see her – my lifeless grandmother. As I walk towards the door to her wake, something within me is killing me. She wanted to see me but even that simple request, I was not able to give her. I walked towards her coffin and cried. I apologized but then I knew nothing will ever change. My cousins told me about how much she wanted to see my face and how much she wanted to say goodbye to me. But I chose my patients. My used to be patients. I spent few more days there until her funeral and went back home to work. But everything changed. Suddenly, I was not happy anymore. How could I ever choose these strangers over my dying grandmother. I tried to overcome it for a couple of weeks until one day, I decided to file my resignation letter. I worked there for three rollercoaster years and spent most of my time with those patients but perhaps because of what happened I suddenly felt that I cannot give what I have given before which was compassion. I just wanted to take a break and so I did. I took two months off from work. Most of it was spent back in Davao. Yes, I flew back there and visited my grandparent’s grave few times and tried to find myself – which I successfully did. After that break, I applied once again in a huge institution for psychiatric patients and got the job. I think that was fate again working for what is meant for me. One year I stayed there until my contract ended but few months after I was asked to go back for they want to renew my contract. It was an opportunity that other nurses will never think twice but to get it. I did not. I wanted something else for myself. I knew it was an opportunity that if I let it pass, I may never ever get the same break again. I prayed and fully listened to my heart if that is what I want. Deep within me, I found the answer, I did not sign in the dotted lines. If I have signed in there I wouldn’t be able to meet the friends I have met in the next hospital I applied to. It was different from the four years I spent being a nurse which I believe to be the exact thing that I want. For starters, few months after I started working there, I was able to finish my thesis for the graduate school that earned me a Master’s Degree in Nursing. I can never forget the joy in my father’s face when he walked up that stage during my graduation. I spent more than a year in that hospital and resigned.
No, I do not have the habit of resigning, rather, I have the habit of looking deeply into what myself really desires. If it is something that does not make me happy, if it is something that makes me drag myself everyday to go to work, if it is something which does not inspires me anymore and if it is something that is not helping me become the person I want to be then it is time to walk away and start paving my path towards the job nor the career that I really want for myself. You can never open the new door that may lead you to the life you want to be in unless you close the other door.
Developing the courage to finally let go of those things or people or situations or even a job or an opportunity will aid you in finding nor being in a place where you deserved to be. Do not let such things hinder you from being completely happy and let you be where you deeply desire to be in. It may sting for a while, that I can attest to, but it is only temporary. The pain of leaving anything or anyone will make you grow stronger and braver to face the life you have yet to discover. It is scary; you do not know if there is another job offer for you, nor if you will meet anyone again after a dead-end and toxic relationship nor after letting an opportunity pass you by but everything and anyone who is MEANT for you will be there for you at the right time but it does not mean that you have the liberty on getting stuck on something or with someone who brings you down. You will know that it is meant for you because it will feel right and more importantly you will feel good about yourself and for yourself.
A Wandering Princess