I have been thinking about writing about how I want to be in love again but I cannot find the words to express the desire because I somehow feel that I still have doubts within myself. I used to share every single love and lost that I had been through here in this blog. I hid all of it because that chapter of my life is over. I felt in love, I got my heart-broken, I linger in the pain, I let myself feel the pain and slowly – as days passed by I was able to overcome it. I became stronger and perhaps wiser.
I used to hate love. While I was still at the bottom of my rather heavy life I get to meet someone who understands me very well. He helped me conquer my demons. We have so much in common and share the same interests. We both even hate love. He has a different reason; he used to be involved in different wars and he also got his heart-broken by women. I used to hate love because it breaks and ends and I do not want to put myself much so my heart in such agony. But he changed me. He changed us. Every single day, we will talk over the phone for hours and hours. We even have this silly “coffee time”; it’s just we drink coffee at the same time. I felt secured somehow because with him, I felt I have a friend. Someone I can depend on and someone who will cheer me up. We live in a different timezone but sometimes, when he feels that I am sad or tired because of work, he’d always call. He would even send silly pictures of him just to make me laugh and it worked every single time. One day, something happened. We dived into a relationship wherein we both know we are not ready for. From that point on we always fought even with little misunderstandings. We agreed on being friends but because we let the feelings get involved in our relationship in a much deeper sense, we ruined everything. The last thing I remember, I was with another friend at that time when we started fighting (out of the so many fights we had) I decided to go to my aunt’s place. I took a cab and once I got inside I started crying. I was sobbing so hard that I cannot breathe that the cab driver kept on asking if I need to go to a hospital for oxygen (he didn’t know I am a nurse). We continued to exchange text messages on that same day but it mostly contained why we need to move on, why we have to leave each other and why we need to stop talking with each other.
Truthfully, I do not know how or what I feel towards him and I did not bother to try to really analyze what happened because whatever conclusion I could get, it ended. We ended a beautiful friendship over something I cannot and will never understand. We both hated love and so it is very much impossible for either one or both of us to be in love. He is very much familiar what took place when my last relationship ended. How it shattered me into pieces and how I have been trying so hard to put back what’s left of me. He loved how I write. I could say that somehow he was my “number 1” reader. He always get the first dibs. But no matter how beautiful the relationship was; whatever we had been was thrown out of the window.
I cut all the type of communication we used to have. I stopped chatting online with everyone except for two people; Gary and Jack. I could somehow fully say now that it was the reason why I stopped chatting or rather he was the reason why I stopped at all. I let go of Gary however few weeks ago because he always wanted to be in a relationship and I just do not feel the same way and I do not want to keep him from finding the kind of love he always wanted.
I took sometime for myself again. I do not mind it because one thing I learned is that you have to completely love yourself first before you can ever give love to anyone. One can never give what he or she doesn’t have. I was able to do things I always wanted to do for myself; I read a lot of books, watched movies and go shopping with friends, indulged myself with different treats, went out to bars and hang out with friends, more importantly I started to write again; one thing I was not fully able to commit myself to because I was too busy mending my used to be broken heart. I was able to plan and take the trips I wanted. I was able to do CSI Las Vegas marathon.
As I took my below zero degree beer in Samal Island, something struck me. I want to be in love again. I want to feel love. Another chance, shot, try, gamble to be in such a magnificent feeling. I am comfortable with being single and so I took time for myself. But now the reason I am feeling this is I guess because of one person. I want to blame him but I know he will tell me “that is all you Chua” and he will laugh at it.
Starting over again is not easy. It never meant to be easy but this time, I am not going to push anyone away as I have done several times just because I wasn’t ready. Love hurts, breaks, and ends but it is also beautiful and kind and the most amazing feeling anyone could ever endure.
A Wandering Princess.