As I browse today through tons of pictures of guys from all over the world, I somehow thought to myself why am I doing this? I stopped doing this for months now because something bad happened and somehow I grew tired of such routine. It became a routine to a point that the term “fun” is taken out of the online dating thing and now I saw myself sorting through different pictures of guys. As I sort, passing pictures after pictures I wondered what the hell am I looking for?
There were people I used to chat with who are still there and there are newbies who kept on asking about my relationship status or those who kept on sending the typical “hello” text. There are of course those people who only want to see you naked. Yup. I know you know those kind of people. There are also those who wanted a serious relationship. I asked myself, what am I doing? What is it that I am looking for? Am I ready; emotionally and physically to be in this situation again? I honestly do not know the answer.
When I stopped doing this online dating thing months ago, I decided to keep few people I met online and have chatted with them until now and I do consider them friends. There were only two. Although one of them I had to let go because he wanted more and I cannot give it to him no matter how hard he tried and so I pushed him away. At this point I am left with just one person I met online. I like him. I really do. But I can feel he doesn’t feel the same way. He is in that age when all he wanted to do is work. We talk regularly somehow but I wanted more. I then thought that perhaps I am ready. I believed that something bad may happen but I told him that I like him. And from that point on, I knew he is gone. But one thing about this person that I can never forget is how good he make me feel.
As I randomly flip through the profiles and after replying to a number of messages I decided to close my mobile data and stop. I do not want to do it. I do not want to riffle through countless number of profiles. I thought I want it. I thought I need it but I was wrong. I said I was ready, but not to open myself and become vulnerable to everyone but to one person. Just that one person. That person who make my heart skip a beat.