Another Fight

Honestly, I’ve lost count as to how many fights we had, though one thing is for sure; all of them were ugly, some made me cry, made me hate myself and almost made us go our separate ways.

I often ask you and myself, what happened to us? We used to be fun, happy, easy-going but now almost everything seemed different. Before, I know I make you happy and laugh but now, I am not sure anymore.

We both know we are two human beings who are complicated in our own selves but why bring it out and have it clashed in a surface?

Truthfully, I am not expecting anything from you. You have gone through things that are beyond imaginable. Some of which, I will never be able to fully understand because what you experienced that made how you are right now can never be defined.

I do value you and I am fully accepting who you are. Believe me, I do and it was not easy. It never meant to be easy. I have lied to you. One lie… just one. But everything else is true.

I do not know if I am making any sense right now. All I know is that I have to write these feelings down. It is too much to bear especially now that I am still sick and too weak.

Being with you in this virtual world, made me become vulnerable to a lot of things such as happiness, pain, doubt among other things but I chose it because I want it and I know I will never choose otherwise nor regret this because it is beautiful. I learned to trust and have faith; which I lost when the worst thing happened to me.

I told you before, I never get mad easily. Though there was a time when I got so mad and I told you. Everything else, I am not mad so don’t think that way. If I am mad, I will tell you. I am not going to beat around the bush and be sarcastic about it. I would rather tell it to you than go fishing.

I want to keep this – whatever we have for as long as I can..

One Month

The day I met you will always be that day that made me how I am right now. No, I do not think I will ever regret it because it was beautiful and magnificent. It made me commit – something I thought I cannot do but you helped me, you made me. It was a splendid time spent with you. Something that will always have a place in my heart – the little heart that I have left.

Minutes turned to hours to days to weeks and now a month yet it seemed like yesterday when you said it is over. When you said I did mean something to you and I was special and you did feel something for me. That word – “did” was the ugliest word I have ever read from your message. That message that broke me and let me fall freely until I hit the rock bottom.

I am not wandering in the pain and sorrow you brought me, rather I am still in it. I did worst things in my life I have never imagined doing. You shattered me into pieces and up until now I am trying my best to put it back together. I fell into a web of lies and let myself linger in such situation that it brought out the ugliest part of me.

Back when we were together, I became hopeful, had strong faith and belief. You made me pray harder because at the end of the day I will always want to be with you especially when your “world seemed to go wrong” – your words. All I ever wanted is to be with you, to understand you and support you as you go through all those things but you let me go. You chose to let go.

That day, the day I had to work before I went on a hiatus… something I never do because I value my work so much but it was too painful that I cannot bear the idea of going to work and pretend everything is okay with me because it isn’t.

I tried going out on several dates. Started to chat with other guys but no matter how great the dates were, no matter how good the guys I am chatting with there is simply the fact that no one will ever compare to you. That is the saddest truth.

Do I still wish for you to come back? Honestly? No. Because you let me go easily. Now, if you come back I cannot trust you again not doing the same thing because I can never go back to that time I was at my worst self. Yes, worst self. I did terrible things that can never be undone. I am not blaming you because those were my actions in response to the pain you caused me. I had the choice, always… but the pain clouded my judgement and as much as we both do not want regrets, I regret everything I did during those times.

I do not know who that girl was. It wasn’t me and now I have more to add in my regrets list. It wasn’t that long until that period. My most dreadful period in my life yet.

Maybe I felt in love that much, maybe I am attached too much, maybe I trusted you too much, maybe everything about you and me was too much that I was blinded to leave some love and kindness for myself. I gave away everything – my heart and soul.

Today marked that one month since everything fell apart and somehow, I am still feeling some pain. It is not as strong as that first day though it is still here, haunting me.

One of the end products that happened? I hated love. I used to think it was beautiful and kind but now? It burns, breaks and ends. Now, I am scared of being attached to someone there is a possibility of being in love with because I do not want to have to endure the same pain over again. It scares the hell out of me. Now? I am trying to push people away from me because like what you did, I cannot trust them to stay for a long time. I do not need them to stay with me forever but at least for a long time.

It is not meant to be; you and me. No it isn’t. So now, I am letting you go. Goodbye.

My First Ink

I have been thinking about getting inked but I have not done it until today. Yes, I got my ink now.

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“Just Breathe” – I always have a henna tattoo of these words for a long time now and I felt that this is the time to get it done for real. For me, this meant to just keep on breathing and breathe away all the negativities around me. Life is too beautiful to dwell on the bad things surrounding me.

Anchor – I have not decided on this until I came across it. To me it signifies strength and stability. I went through a lot this year – and it just started. It reminds me to keep my faith and hope strong no matter how rough people or events that is in my life. No matter how my world is shaken, I will remain standing against all odds.